October 15th - Remembering You

We Remember

 On October 15th my family lit 5 candles. October 15 was Pregnancy and Infant loss remembrance day. This year it was a little tougher to navigate. My feelings were all over the place. I stood before the candles and just took a moment of silence while my husband played with our daughter. I touched my fingers to my lips, kissed them, then touched each candle. 4 of those candles were for my little angels and one was for all of my angel mothers out there and their little angels. I found my finger tips lingering on the 4th candle, Angela. She sacrificed so much in my mind. She was the only child out of our losses that made it almost to the 2nd trimester. She was the only child who we knew her gender and unfortunately what caused her to leave us so soon. She was also our last child we said goodbye to before her sister arrived in our arms.

There are times I feel guilty, there are times I feel just how tangible all of their losses were. Seeing Anastasia grow each and every day knowing that I can't do that with all of them is a tough pill to swallow at times. I know this grief will never fully leave us and I try to give this one day where I'm able to really fully acknoweldge what we all went through. I shed a couple silent tears. Then went and got my daughter. With her in my arms we watched the flames flicker. Anastasia was noticeably mesmerized. All the while I talk telling her about the 4 little angels she has looking down on her, what these candles meant and what this day meant and will always mean to our families.

I'm so grateful to have this day where my family and I are able to recognize our children and others children who were taken so soon. Yes we could do it on any day really, but having this dedication in all of their honors is touching and so very appreciated.

Miscarriage is such a tough thing to go through. It's an experience that I find is hard to fully explain and at times grasp. The pain is like no other pain I've felt in my life. The helplessness you feel, knowing you couldn't help your own child stay in this world is a paralyzing feeling. I won't forget the pacing I did those days, the hugs I needed from my husband. Trying to read others condolences through a waterfall of tears. Wanting to stop reading so I could stop crying, but in reading I was comforted.

Days like these aren't easy but they're needed. I don't think we as a family will ever get to a point where we completely move on from this. I believe their presence will always be remembered and some days grieved. There's no right or wrong way to this process. As long as whatever you're doing is done in a healthy manner both physically and mentally then keep on doing whatever it is that helps you and your family grieve.

Know all of you were on my mind October 15th. I can't wait until we all get reunited. Although I'm not religious by any means I believe with all my heart I'll see them again <3.