Deciding to have a second child - A tougher decision than we realized

For as long as I can remember I visioned my future adult life with a husband and 3 kids. Then infertility struck and we were fighting just to have one child, I feared the worst when we approached out fourth year with 4 losses, feared that we'd never know what it was like to have a biological child, go through the 9 months of pregnancy, experience the birth of our child, become parents to a child we loved with all of our heart.  The realities of that weighed heavily on us in our last year of trying, a year where hope was a hard word to comprehend let alone feel. Most of that hopelessness was amplified by 4 losses in just under 11 months.

Then on the 13 month from our first loss Anastasia was conceived. Fitting I suppose as I now LOVE the number 13.

When we were trying for our first there was no doubt in our minds, this is what we wanted, that was a place we wanted to be at. No question having our first was for us and started an entirely new chapter for our family. Now here we are 2 months away from Anastasia's first birthday (holy smokes!) and we feel like we need to revisit our family plans.

I never envisioned this would be so hard. I always thought that I would just naturally want another child, while knowing if we couldn't we'd be okay and move on after a few months of IUI's. Now, now that we're approaching this topic again, both of us find ourselves wondering 'why' we even need a second child. There was so much purpose behind having our daughter and no doubt if we decide to have another we would love him/her with all of our heart and being. But the driving factors this time around are just so drastically different.

I can see both sides of this coin clearly. I see both avenues as a satisfying family decision. I see life with an only child as one that we're able to devote our time and attention to Anastasia. That whatever she wants (Within reason!) she won't be deprived of because of financial restrictions. We have her, but then what does she have? I find our primary motivator for a second child isn't ourselves but for our daughter. I think of the future and I want her to have someone to grow up with, have that sibling bond with. I want her to know the love you can have for a sibling. But I do realize that for some there's an occurrence where a friend in your life becomes family, so I know that if we don't there is that chance that she'll end up with a 'sibling' even if it's not blood or direct relation to her.

I didn't think we'd be so on the fence about a second. I didn't think we'd be on the fence when I was pregnant with Anastasia. After we had her is when the one and done notion crept in. I first brushed it off as new mommy feelings, and it went away and was replaced with an 'Of course we'll try for a second." Now that things are settling for us and the time is upon us we're both at "Well I'm not sure we want a second." One of the best things about this though is that my husband and I are on the same page. So I feel like we can have this deep and open dialogue about our wants and our concerns about both sides to this. If I'm honest I feel like I'm 51% one and done and 49% wanting another.

With that Paul and I are researchers at heart. I don't like to go into a decision blindly or without really knowing and understanding our options. I realize at one point you just have to pick left or right when you come to a fork in the road. But We'd rather be for sure about this. So we're going to meet with our Fertility Specialist and go over the risks and facts about trying for a second. We won't be going the conventional route. We will be going right for an IUI and a controlled few cycles if we do.

If I'm being dead honest I'd really like this part of our life to finally be in the past. thinking about trying again comes with it's own anxieties, all the appointments, fear of losses  and the overall way it just saps you of your energy. Anxieties I'll gladly feel mind you but this time around we have our little girl to think about. I cannot put her through the hell we put ourselves through when trying for her. We made it through because we understood what it was going to take. I know that for us ttc was a selfish one in terms of it takes a lot out of you at least when you get to the point we did. I don't want my daughter to know what's going on, I don't want to be so depressed because it's taking longer or to feel the prolonged disappointment in my body. To wake up, temp, take opk's for more than 3 months. I can't do it longer than that, and I don't want to put my daughter through that either. I suppose I'm blessed in that I don't have a drive one way or the other, that if it doesn't work out it won't make walking away from this a hard one. It'll just be a logical. "Oh okay it's not going to work for us, oh well. Moving on." Instead of that gut wrenching fear an inability to give up thinking "We'll never be parents. This cannot happen, we'll move mountains to have our child!" that's how we felt when we were trying for Anastasia.

It's hard to tell if our previous experience with infertility is what's causing us both to feel how we do. We feel beyond blessed, more than I can give thanks for. Having a second feels greedy or at least trying for a second and just not being able to move past it if it doesn't work out. I'm glad I've maintained this line of thought. It allows me to stay open and realize life isn't always fair but it's a hell of a lot better than where we were 2 years ago. mourning our 3rd loss.

There's a balance and we're hoping that with the facts in hand and some advice from those we love will help give us the tools to make this difficult decision. Who knew this would be so hard? I see our lives being perfect no matter which path we take, bitter sweet really. A decision I'm eternally grateful we even get the choice to make. I guess we'll know by the beginning of next year what route we've chosen.

Stay tuned....