Hate this feeling

The push and pull to quit Breast feeding is driving me nuts. I've finally put my foot down. If in 3 days my supply issues haven't gotten better (she'll be three months) then I'm done completely. I need to set some kind of a deadline. Otherwise I'm going to continue battling, "I'll give it one more shot." then after I pump/feed "That was my last feed."

PCOS has shot my supply. I'm on metformin, and some suppliments, I'm pumping at work and getting at most 1oz a pump (that's total after pumping both sides) Anastasia is easily feeding 4 oz per feed and is now starting to get fussy after 4. I'm frustrated not when I feed her but more when I pump and seeing the amounts just is like a dagger to the heart. Of course my body couldn't produce enough, it's failed me at everything else motherhood (getting pregnant, miscarriages (can't even sustain without medical intervention), having to have a c-section because my pelvis is too small then developing bendl's ring, now breast milk. I'm just fed up and should have from the get go went with formula. Tired of feeling disappointed in my body. Just feels like the nail in the coffin to my womanhood.

It's not even the fact that I have to formula feed my daughter. I've been doing that since the day she was born. It's more that I just wish I could have been cut some slack when it comes to my body in the motherhood department. Everything we've gone through just feels like another slap to the proverbial face. Loosing that faith and even TRUST in your body time and time again sucks. If anything those are the emotions that are bringing me down the most.

I said in the beginning that at first sign that I was having issues I'd stop. I think part of me hoped if there was an issue it'd be with Anastasia just having problems latching etc. I don't think I fully bought into having supply issues. (Silly me considering I have pcos). So now that the time has come I find my drive for going out and buying supplements, going back on Metformin have been for more self serving purposes than anything else (Selfish to think this way isn't it?). I've just realized (literally as I write this I had an epiphany) that my drive has been because I didn't want my body failing me again. I wanted to prove to myself that my body was cut out for motherhood (only in the body sense, I know who I am as a mother to Anastasia. I've never questioned that), that with this one thing I could do it. So I went the extra mile and I think that's making it even harder. Why didn't I just listen to myself, the calm rational me? I really think I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

/rant. Needed to get that out so I could move on from this.